Treading on Unsteady Water

I am left brained. I am type A. I am a perfectionist. I want to do what it is right. I am a rule follower.

Some people may refer to me as cold. Some may think of me as harsh. Some may even consider me rude and unkind.

What I am certain of is that even with all of my faults I am LOVED. Loved by a God who is so gracious and kind that He sent his Son to die for all my inadequacies.

I come from two parents that God created just for me. I love my parents very deeply. Things have happened in my 40+ years on the planet that should lead me to not love my parents, but I can’t help it. They are mine. God gave them to me for enjoyment and I embrace that. He also gave them to me to learn from, and I am so grateful for that, as well.

My childhood years were a bit unsteady. I blamed my dad for that.  We struggled from the time I was 12 until I got married. I couldn’t see him the way Jesus needed me to see him. I was a child. But over the years, I learned to embrace my dad for what he is--another child of God. While my dad doesn’t believe Jesus is his Savior, he is such a great man. I love him. He has given me so many gifts. Gifts like courage. Intelligence. Strength. Independence. 

My adult years have also been somewhat unsteady. I blame my mom for that. I have always felt responsible for her. I never viewed this as bad, but in recent years, I have come to resent it. I am just recognizing these emotions. I love my mom. Deeply. But, I am not sure the love I have for her is healthy. Not the type of love that God wants me to have. But through it all, I know that He is showing me the things He needs me to see, so I can grow in His love and embrace her for what she is—another child of God. My mom is a strong Christian. She is the one that showed me the way to Jesus. For this, I will forever be grateful. She, too, has given me so many gifts. Gifts like patience. Gentleness. Perseverance. Gratitude.

God is taking me to a new place in my faith journey.  I have a feeling He’s been working on this for quite some time.  I’m not exactly sure where we are headed, but I can’t rest in the fact that He knows exactly where we are going, and that He won’t let go of my hand. 

For those of that know my story, four years ago, Craig and I felt like God wanted us to move to the country. We also felt like He wanted my mom to come with us. We took the necessary steps to see if this was His plan. Things like putting our house up for sale in a time when the housing market was in the biggest slump I’ve seen in my lifetime. Our house sold for full asking price the week before we were going to take it off the market. Steps like putting my mom’s house up for sale a year before we knew we could build the addition for her because we thought it would take that long to sell her house. It sold in the first month. Steps like praying about God’s will for our lives. Continually.

In the years of living out here, I have found myself asking God, “Did we make the right decision,” more often than I care to share. It’s been an unsteady time in my life. I blame myself for that. I’ve been a Christian my whole life. But I didn’t start actively growing my faith until I was 20 years old. Over the years, I have grown in many ways. The bible has given me so many gifts. Gifts like Proverbs. Jeremiah. The Disciples. Psalms.

For whatever reason, the relationship my mom and I once had started to go haywire once we moved out here. We began having arguments. Regularly. The stress I was having over making her happy was weighing heavy on my heart. I wanted things that I believe caused stress on her heart, too. My expectations were such that she felt uncomfortable, and so did I. 

But God has been here all along. He has allowed us to experience the ups and downs, so that we can continue to grow and change. After all, He is growing us up while we are on earth, so that He can use us for something even greater when we get to heaven!

The little bit I know about change is that it is scary. It is unsteady. I can’t help but recall the story of Jesus walking on water and asking Peter to join him. Peter was so confident when he first got onto the water and headed right towards Jesus. But then things changed. Fear started to overtake him, and he started to sink.

Right now, I can empathize with Peter. I, too, was so confident that God wanted our family to move to the country. We jumped out of that boat and started walking on the water. We sold our homes. We moved. We built what we thought was our forever home. But right now I feel like I am starting to sink.

There has been much turbulence in our home this past month, and after deep consideration, we have decided that our living situation is not working out. After much prayer, we have decided to see what God’s next steps are. My mom is growing in her faith walk, and has decided that it is best for her to grow in the area of independence. I can see Jesus doing a good work in her right now. But admittedly, it has been very difficult for me to step out of my comfort zone of wanting to be responsible for her. I am growing, too and I know that God will help me in letting go.

As a result of my mom wanting to move, we have some tough decisions before us, as well. Like always, we just want to follow God’s plan for our lives. No matter where it takes us. The first step is to see if God wants us to stay in the country or if he wants us to move back to town. In order to know this, we have to put our house up for sale. While the unknown is uncomfortable, I can rest easy because I know God will not forsake us. He will gently hold our hands and guide us every step of the way.

I often sit in amazement at how God works in my life. He has been so patient with me.  I am a stubborn and selfish child.  I want what I want and I want it now. But I am learning to trust in His ways and His timing.  I needn’t be afraid.  The unsteady waters are only unsteady when I forget to put Him first in all that I do. The steadiness comes from holding tightly to Jesus and not letting go!