Let's Do This!

Fear took hold of my mind in full force yesterday. As we were walking through our future home with the inspector, I was ready to back out of both sales and go back to work full time, just so I could keep my current home. We put so much into this place to make it a home, and I am beginning to realize what it will mean to leave it all behind. But I truly believe staying here is not the direction God is calling our family to go--at least I don't think it is. I must admit I am experiencing much doubt right now. The good thing is, I am reminded that doubt is not a part of God's vocabulary, so I am working on telling said doubt: "You are not invited to this party. It's time for you to take a hike!"

While I am grateful this is all happening quickly to alleviate the discomfort I am feeling in many places, I don't really have time to process things fully. I don't want to make a wrong decision. I have to have faith that God is walking before us, and TRUST that He is not guiding us to a place we don't belong.

This morning, I sit here in the stillness of my home.  It is dark.  The only light is that of my computer screen. I have perused Pinterest, Home Depot, Lowe's, IKEA, and numerous blog sites to get ideas for my concerns with our new home.  My mind is spinning. But in this stillness, I can hear the faint calling of my savior. "Don't worry," He says. "I am taking you here for a reason. To bring you much joy and happiness. I just need for you to rely on my strength to get you through. I will bring you much peace."

Here's a pic of the house we are planning to buy in a few weeks.

And so, my reply is "Let's do this!"
My fear is at bay, right now.  The sun is beginning to make its way across the horizon.  I am ready to take on this day with much gratitude in my heart for all of life's sweet blessings--quiet mornings, amazing sunrises, the anticipation of Christmas, my wonderful family.

So much to be thankful for on this Sunday morning in December.  So much to be thankful for indeed.

God's Grace and a "New" Home

I'm definitely in shell shock. The sale of our home is moving along. And the weekend was spent shopping for a new home. I can't even begin to tell you how AMAZING God is. The spirit is flowing so freely through this whole process.

I am so sad to see that our family's country living experience did not work out as I had thought, but I have learned so much. The first being don't ever depend our my own plans! I'm definitely confused why God sent us here, but I look forward to learning why as our adventure continues to unfold. The one thing I am certain of, is that He is so faithful, and will not let anything happen that He does not see fit. So for those that are wondering if I think the past three and a half years were done in vain, I would say ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am growing and learning in ways I didn't even think were possible. I am so grateful for the ups and downs. Am I ready for a few less downs?  You bet!

We put an offer on a house in town and it was accepted last night. We are now praying that the timing works out that we will only have to rent a moving van once.  It looks like we might be able to "rent" our "new" home for the week or two between the closing date on our current home and the closing date of our "new" home.

All I can say at this point is:  Wow!  Thank you Jesus!

A Whirlwind

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Luke 11:9

I'm sitting here in shock today.  Although I know I shouldn't be.  When I put my trust in God, things happen as they should.

So, the last 6 weeks have been pretty bad around here.  Lots of arguing and miscommunication. Lots of hurt feelings. Lots of tears being shed. But in the end, we all know that it's about Jesus working through each of us to get us where we need to be. And so, we continue on.

Since the decision to put the house on the market was made two weeks ago, it's been pretty much a whirlwind. We've had three families interested in looking at our home.

The first family set up a showing, but then couldn't make it, due to illness.  That was last Saturday.

The second family came to look at our home while we were at church on Sunday. Our home was in their top two choices, but the barn was a bit too small.

The third came out to view the house on Wednesday.  Then on Thursday they came again.  And by Thursday night they had put in an offer. Albeit too low for our liking, our Realtor, Diana, was amazing.  She called their Realtor, AdriAnn, and shared our story.  We've put a lot of sweat and equity into this home over the past 3+ years, and to walk away with nothing didn't quite feel good. Not to mention, we really needed to sale of this home to fund our next home.

On Friday, I had to take Emaleigh to get her wisdom teeth pulled. The call came in while we were waiting for the anethesia to kick in. The buyers had countered back. Only this time they offered full asking price with no help on closing costs.  What?!  Total shock, I tell you.  I wasn't expecting full asking price after the offer that initially came to the table.  But God is good, and I know that His hand is truly in the middle of this pot stirring it up and making everything just right! Naturally, we have accepted their offer.

Now while there are so many things that have happened that can testify to Jesus being here the whole time (even when we've all felt very alone at times), the price that this home sold for is simply Divine Intervention. You see we bought this home as a foreclosure.  So it was pretty cheap.  But after two major renovations, it was no longer that way. And we certainly didn't want to lose money from this experience. So when we decided it was time to sell, I was sitting in my bed pondering how much we needed to put it on the market for, while still being able to have some funds for the next home. I was scared because during the past 3 years nothing in our immediate area has sold for anything close to what we had invested in this home. So to have to list our home for a price even higher seemed unimaginable. Within minutes, Craig came into the room just as a number popped into my head. Out of his mouth came the words, "it would be nice if we could sell our home for..." The exact number I was thinking. Then, within that same hour, Diana had called to let us know that she thought we could list our house for that exact same number.  She wasn't convinced we'd be able to sell it for that much, but she felt confident that we could at least list it for that much. Now what are the chances that 3 people would think of the same number without really communicating about it. And then to actually sell for that EXACT number?  Diving Intervention, I tell you!  Truly Divine. Thank you, Jesus!

So the past week has been a true whirlwind, but I am so grateful for what has happened. I am sad that this part of our story didn't work out how I had anticipated, but I know that God is still in the middle of this pot stirring it up and making everything just right!

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 

Breath

Our house is officially for sale.

This house that we have painstakingly remodeled, added on to, but mostly loved.

This house that I thought would be my forever home. 

It's okay tho. I know that while I crave control to the depth's of my being, God get's the last say so. And while this still may be my forever home, I have to be open to finding out if this is not the plan He has in store.

With all of the pain that is going on right now, I am trying to find joy in what the Lord is bringing to the forefront. I am trying not to analyze my life to death, but I have become the person I am today because I am open to the wisdom that God provides for me each day. 

So often, I sit in the presence of my maker and have a conversation that goes something like this:

me: Where is it that we will be going today? I know Your plans for me are for good.  So I am trying not to fear.  

Him: Good and faithful child...I love that you think of me often.  I smile each time I come to your mind. You certainly don't need to worry, even though you have mastered this ability! (Insert God winking and smiling here...afterall, He did invent humor!) 

me: Okay. But sometimes old habits die hard.

Him: Just trust me to show you the way. Take the necessary steps to find out if I will open a new door or close a door you thought I wanted you to go through. 

me: I'm kind of scared.

Him:  I know. Just allow yourself to be at peace not matter what the situation.

me: I'll try.

Him: That's all I ever ask of you. And by the way, I am confident you will be successful! (Insert another wink and a smile here.)

While I can't say that I am jumping up and down with glee that we are trying to sell our home and move again, I can say that I am filled with a sense of peace that only the Lord can provide.  Each time I find myself flailing about in my head, I stop, take a deep breath, and put my thoughts on Jesus. I remind myself that nothing can be as daunting as what He endured.

Source

Treading on Unsteady Water

I am left brained. I am type A. I am a perfectionist. I want to do what it is right. I am a rule follower.

Some people may refer to me as cold. Some may think of me as harsh. Some may even consider me rude and unkind.

What I am certain of is that even with all of my faults I am LOVED. Loved by a God who is so gracious and kind that He sent his Son to die for all my inadequacies.

I come from two parents that God created just for me. I love my parents very deeply. Things have happened in my 40+ years on the planet that should lead me to not love my parents, but I can’t help it. They are mine. God gave them to me for enjoyment and I embrace that. He also gave them to me to learn from, and I am so grateful for that, as well.

My childhood years were a bit unsteady. I blamed my dad for that.  We struggled from the time I was 12 until I got married. I couldn’t see him the way Jesus needed me to see him. I was a child. But over the years, I learned to embrace my dad for what he is--another child of God. While my dad doesn’t believe Jesus is his Savior, he is such a great man. I love him. He has given me so many gifts. Gifts like courage. Intelligence. Strength. Independence. 

My adult years have also been somewhat unsteady. I blame my mom for that. I have always felt responsible for her. I never viewed this as bad, but in recent years, I have come to resent it. I am just recognizing these emotions. I love my mom. Deeply. But, I am not sure the love I have for her is healthy. Not the type of love that God wants me to have. But through it all, I know that He is showing me the things He needs me to see, so I can grow in His love and embrace her for what she is—another child of God. My mom is a strong Christian. She is the one that showed me the way to Jesus. For this, I will forever be grateful. She, too, has given me so many gifts. Gifts like patience. Gentleness. Perseverance. Gratitude.

God is taking me to a new place in my faith journey.  I have a feeling He’s been working on this for quite some time.  I’m not exactly sure where we are headed, but I can’t rest in the fact that He knows exactly where we are going, and that He won’t let go of my hand. 

For those of that know my story, four years ago, Craig and I felt like God wanted us to move to the country. We also felt like He wanted my mom to come with us. We took the necessary steps to see if this was His plan. Things like putting our house up for sale in a time when the housing market was in the biggest slump I’ve seen in my lifetime. Our house sold for full asking price the week before we were going to take it off the market. Steps like putting my mom’s house up for sale a year before we knew we could build the addition for her because we thought it would take that long to sell her house. It sold in the first month. Steps like praying about God’s will for our lives. Continually.

In the years of living out here, I have found myself asking God, “Did we make the right decision,” more often than I care to share. It’s been an unsteady time in my life. I blame myself for that. I’ve been a Christian my whole life. But I didn’t start actively growing my faith until I was 20 years old. Over the years, I have grown in many ways. The bible has given me so many gifts. Gifts like Proverbs. Jeremiah. The Disciples. Psalms.

For whatever reason, the relationship my mom and I once had started to go haywire once we moved out here. We began having arguments. Regularly. The stress I was having over making her happy was weighing heavy on my heart. I wanted things that I believe caused stress on her heart, too. My expectations were such that she felt uncomfortable, and so did I. 

But God has been here all along. He has allowed us to experience the ups and downs, so that we can continue to grow and change. After all, He is growing us up while we are on earth, so that He can use us for something even greater when we get to heaven!

The little bit I know about change is that it is scary. It is unsteady. I can’t help but recall the story of Jesus walking on water and asking Peter to join him. Peter was so confident when he first got onto the water and headed right towards Jesus. But then things changed. Fear started to overtake him, and he started to sink.

Right now, I can empathize with Peter. I, too, was so confident that God wanted our family to move to the country. We jumped out of that boat and started walking on the water. We sold our homes. We moved. We built what we thought was our forever home. But right now I feel like I am starting to sink.

There has been much turbulence in our home this past month, and after deep consideration, we have decided that our living situation is not working out. After much prayer, we have decided to see what God’s next steps are. My mom is growing in her faith walk, and has decided that it is best for her to grow in the area of independence. I can see Jesus doing a good work in her right now. But admittedly, it has been very difficult for me to step out of my comfort zone of wanting to be responsible for her. I am growing, too and I know that God will help me in letting go.

As a result of my mom wanting to move, we have some tough decisions before us, as well. Like always, we just want to follow God’s plan for our lives. No matter where it takes us. The first step is to see if God wants us to stay in the country or if he wants us to move back to town. In order to know this, we have to put our house up for sale. While the unknown is uncomfortable, I can rest easy because I know God will not forsake us. He will gently hold our hands and guide us every step of the way.

I often sit in amazement at how God works in my life. He has been so patient with me.  I am a stubborn and selfish child.  I want what I want and I want it now. But I am learning to trust in His ways and His timing.  I needn’t be afraid.  The unsteady waters are only unsteady when I forget to put Him first in all that I do. The steadiness comes from holding tightly to Jesus and not letting go!

Sweet 16

It's official.  After a party filled weekend we have a 16 year old in our house.  I can't really believe I am typing these words.  I know this may sound a bit cliche, but often times, I feel like I am still 16 myself. That was such a significant time in my life.  It's when I met Mr. Mann.  We've had such a history together, and often times I feel like we are still those young kids that met over 27 years ago. How is it possible that we now have a 16 year old daughter?  How is it possible, I say?!

Anyhoo...

The weekend started off with a bang.  Friday night she headed to her friend's house to pass out Halloween candy.  Since we live in the country, and it's a 5 minute walk between each house on our street, we don't see a whole lot of trick or treaters...well none actually! The girls decided to dress up to hand out the candy! Still my little girl!

On Saturday she had a group of friends out to the house to celebrate with her.  

All but one of these friends went to elementary school together.  And four of them have known each other since kindergarten. 

Even though they are getting older, I love that they chose to play games, watch movies and just hang out enjoying each other's company!

 

Craig and I even convinced her to have a pinata, and it was a blast to see these giant kids try to open this pinata.  First they broke the stick.  Then the whole thing came off its hanger, yet managed not to break when it hit the ground.  This thing seemed to be unbreakable, but when they decided to play a game of pinataball, they finally managed to get to the goods!

One her friends brought out some leftover fireworks to honor her celebration of turning 16.  I have to admit that was pretty AWESOME!

Of course no birthday is complete with out a cake.  And of course with a name like Emaleigh, it definitely had to be spelled wrong!  (Even after I spelled it letter by letter for the lady behind the counter.)  

On Sunday we celebrated with extended family.  While Craig's parents usually head to Lake Havasu by late September/Early October, Ema asked if they would stay through her birthday this year.  She was delighted to have them at her family party. And of course, I managed not to get a picture of the three of them together...ugh...!

Finally when her actual birthday arrived on Monday, the birthday fairy had arrived to decorate her door. We all had school and work, so we came together that night to share her gifts, and have one last fling with her grandparents by heading to the Olive Garden for dinner.  Her favorite dish has always been spaghetti.  We had it on her 1st birthday celebration at home, and of course she requested it on her 16th birthday celebration. 

It still does not seem possible that she is growing up into a beautiful young woman.  The first 16 years went by so fast.  It scares me to think how quickly the next 16 years will go by.  In fact, during one of her parties, we were chatting about the ages of all the cousins.  Her youngest will be one next month. The comment was made that when Madison turns 16 Emaleigh will be 32.  Yikes...that is just C-R-A-Z-Y! In fact, Ema will probably be a mom herself by then.  I shudder when I allow myself to go there.  So if you don't mind, I'll head back to the present and enjoy these precious moments.

Happy Birthday my love...

On a side note, I found it fascinating that my mother's love was evident when I woke up at the moment she was born.  And yes...it was 3:47 am!

Conferences

It's conference season.  We went to Emaleigh's a couple of weeks ago, and she's doing great.  She especially loves her AP Government class, digital photography and sign language.  We are so proud of her...ALWAYS!

Equally so, we are proud of our boy.  After attending Caleb's conferences this year, we found out that he is doing so well.  His social studies teacher is even going to recommend him for the honor's class next year.  So exciting for him.  After we left, I was pulling out of the parking space, when he mentioned that he cleaned his locker for nothing.  (Enter red face here!)  I completely spaced that I told him I would be checking his locker at conferences.  His locker neighbor even told him he better clean that mess up.  So, naturally, I pulled into a new spot.  Walked back into the building.  Took a little flack from the security guard, since the eighth grade conferences were being held in the cafeteria and not the classrooms themselves, just so that I could pay homage to his pride and joy.

I was genuinely surprised at how clean it was.  Afterall, I see his bedroom on a daily basis and it usually isn't a happy place!  (Cleanliness wise, that is!)

I just love that he takes pride in the little things.  And, since this will be his last year with a locker, as his high school doesn't have lockers, I thought it might be a good idea to get one last photo.  Unless I do a drop-by to see if he's keeping it clean, of course!

Homecoming 2014

This past Saturday was Emaleigh's homecoming.  I was delighted when she came to me and shared that she and a bunch of her friends were planning on going together this year.  I am delighted that she has settled into her new school and has made some great friends.  Changing schools last year was a bit harder than we had all anticipated.

A few weeks ago she and a couple of friends went to the mall to shop for dresses.  It was enjoyable to watch them together, and to see how much fun they were having.  I stayed back while the girls went into each store.  Ema chose a last season prom dress that we modified to be a homecoming dress. Very sparkly, very girly, very grown-up! I'm okay with this only because I have to be! The funniest part is that the dress was purchased from the same store and the same mall that I bought my prom dress from in 1989.  CRAZY!! (But secretly, kind of AWESOME!)

Way too formal for homecoming,

After sharing her vision for what the dress should look like with her nana and I, we got to work and I have to admit it turned out perfect. Not too short, which was her biggest concern, and not too long, which was mine.

So on Saturday, after hanging out at school all day prepping for the upcoming PCHS drama department's fall plays, she came home to get ready for the dance.  

I helped her with her nails.

Her dad helped get her dress ready.  

Seriously?  Shouldn't you wait until she's in the dress to dance with her?

She looked so grown up. Her dad and I couldn't be more proud of her. 

Proud Papa

A little joke that only she and I (and maybe her dad) will remember when we look back at these pictues! But the look on our faces was priceless and I'm so glad that Craig was able to capture it!

I love this picture of the two of them!

Love her so much!

We were anxious parents all night, but new that she was having a great time. She ended up spending the night with a couple of the girls and they had a blast.  They came home at 11:30 and made macaroni and cheese, and finally laid there heads on their pillows at 1:00 a.m. They made great memories!

This is the hardest part of parenting.  Wanting your child to experience the joys of growing up, but realizing in order to do so, we have to let go.  Uggh!!

hello. it's me. i'm back.

I'm not big on posting pics of myself.  I don't particularly feel confident in my own skin.  I remember taking a class in college on self-confidence.  It was a great experience to help me embrace myself, appreciate the gifts I've been given, and make efforts to not compare myself to others.  Since then, I've been trying to grow in this area of my life, but clearly I'm a slow learner.  Afterall, I was 19 when I took that class.  I'm 43 now.  Seriously, girl.  Get a hold of yourself.

Anyhow, as I am embracing my 40's I've been having this feeling that I just haven't been my same bubbly self that I remember from my 20's.  I miss her. Perhaps my 30's scared her away.  Not sure, but, yesterday I decided to take the steps to bring her back.  The first being to embrace a new hairdo. I was a little scared to chop off the locks that took me a decade to grow out, but I can't tell you how much I love this new style.  I feel like I am myself again!

hello.

it's me.

welcome back.

Him

This past Sunday, My Mann and I were given the gift of time.

Together.

Alone.

At this stage in our marriage, we don't seem to have much of that.  Don't get me wrong.  I am so grateful for all that we have.  Crazy schedules and all.  But when Caleb decided to go golfing with Grandpa, and Emaleigh asked if she could hang out with Grandma, Craig and I were thrilled to have 7 hours to do whatever we felt like doing.  What a true gift.

Even though the kids are older, and we can totally leave them alone, it just doesn't feel good to leave them more than a couple of hours at a time.  We talk about how we have just a few years left before we will be alone all the time, so we are trying to truly relish the days we spend as a family. But after spending 7 hours together, I realized that we are equally as important. This weekend I was reminded of how much I enjoy him. He was made perfectly in God's image, and I know that God created him just for me. How lucky I am to be able to call him my husband, my friend, the father of my children, the provider for our family.  Just hanging out together reminded me of all the wonderful qualities he possesses.

So, how did we spend our time?  We decided to head to the mountains to enjoy the beginning stages of fall. It was a great day to catch up on all the conversations we haven't had time to share with each other.  It was a great day to reminisce about our early years together.  It was great day to be just be with him!

Thank you Mr. Mann reminding me how much I love you and how grateful I am that I get to call you mine!